Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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