tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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