i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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