even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
