I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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