Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
