He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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