A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
