so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
