My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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