I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
