genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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