I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
