so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize