Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
