I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
