The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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