it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
