he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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