i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
