does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
