my phone needs a breathalizer
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
