I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
