The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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