I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
