pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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