cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
