I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
