she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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