While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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