Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
