Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Dear god my vagina.
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