you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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