The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize