We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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