Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
