I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
