then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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