I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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