my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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