wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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