I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
