Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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