nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
