why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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