During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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