We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize