Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
