I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
