My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Panties = found
Randomize