as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
