so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
