He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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