I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
not ubering you a puppy
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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