I didn't shave. On purpose
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
