This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
