I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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