At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
im six kinds of drunk right now
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
