Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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