I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
tell your sister to shave her snatch
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
