Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
