so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
